Always Believe The Child

I can't get something off of my mind these past few days. That's how I know that I need to write it down and share it. It involves my 4 year old grandson Chandler. He spent the night with me a couple of nights ago. When Amber and Dale brought the boys to stay, Chandler was unusually quiet. Sometimes he gets that way when he is in one of his "moods", but this time was different. He stayed that way the whole evening, not talking much, not eating, not playing which was highly out of the ordinary for him. The only thing he complained of was a sore throat. He felt a little warm so after a dose of Tylenol, he was ready for bed. He didn't balk once about bedtime, again highly unusual for his always wide-open little self. He was asleep in no time. I said a prayer that he would feel better and went to bed early myself. Sometime in the middle of the night, he came and wanted to get in bed with me. He wanted to be right in my arms, so that is where he slept. Around dawn, as the sun was just peeking through the window, I looked at Chan and his eyes were wide open and he was staring at the window. It startled me a little that he was awake, he had been so still that I was sure he was asleep. He didn't feel feverish which was a relief. "Chan, what's wrong?" He didn't answer me and his gaze never left the window. Worried, I asked again, "Chandler, are you ok?" Still staring, he nodded his head. "Does your throat hurt?" No response. "What are you thinking about, buddy?" At this point a tiny smile came across his lips and he said, "I can't tell anybody." My stomach lurched and the red flags started popping up. Trying to keep my breath steady, I said, "You can tell Nanny anything, buddy. If you're worried about something it makes you feel better to tell adults who love you. We can help you." He was silent as he continued to stare at the window. I tried again. "What are you thinking about, Chan?" I wasn't prepared for his answer. Without blinking and in a soft whisper he replied, "God."

By now the sun was streaming brightly through the blinds. As his little body laid against me I asked, "What about God?" Still gazing at the sun, his sweet, innocent four year old voice said "He made all of us." We laid there for a while in silence, both of us staring at the beautiful rays. It was one of those moments where you knew that something supernatural was taking place. Now if you know me well, you are aware that I have done much soul-searching over the course of my life, always searching for answers about spirituality and religion, begging for something to make sense, longing to know the truth. While I so want to share my faith, one of the biggest fears in my life is that I will come across as overly religious because I have seen how that turns away people who are so desperately seeking hope. I have asked God many times to give me a "sign", to let me know somehow that everything will be ok and that He is in complete control of all of this. I have learned that the signs He gives can be so easily missed if I am not careful. In recent years I have come to understand faith and grace a little better and it brings me a peace that I cannot explain. I will never have all of the answers I seek but I do know something that is most important for me to believe. There is a God. And He made all of us. And if you don't believe me, just ask my sweet little four year old buddy :)

The Shortcut

I took a shortcut this morning. I had taken my husband his breakfast sandwich and I needed to mail a card so I ended up taking a shortcut down Bell Street. Haven't been down that street in years and don't really know what made me go that way today. Bell Street. My grandfather used to run a fish market/ grocery store on the corner there, years ago when I was a girl. As soon as I turned onto the street and was passing the corner where the store once stood, the memories began to flood my mind. The tears were unexpected. My heart lurched as I spotted the incline in the pavement where my siblings and I used to run up and down. We were so little. The memory was vivid. I literally almost had to pull over on the side of the road, my heart was beating so. Suddenly I remembered walking into the store, my Papa most often sitting at the old piano, playing a tune. The fish counter was on the right and I would always walk to it first and stare into the glassy eyes of the fish. It's funny to think of now, but I remember feeling sorry for them for some reason. I've never told anyone that. Strange what goes on in the mind of a child. I would then move to the magical candy counter with it's tempting array of any kind of candy you can imagine. BB Bats, Hot Balls, Mary Janes, Kits, you name it. I don't remember eating a lot of it though. We got a piece every now and then. I still love to see this kind if candy when I happen upon a "country store". Once in a while I will eat a Mary Jane just so that I can remember.

The best part of this memory is running up the stairs to where my grandmother was. My Nanny. To try to describe the feelings I have for my Nanny would be impossible. I didn't know anyone like her and have never met anyone like her since. I didn't know back then how special she was. All I knew was that I loved her. And that she loved me back. She was a quiet lady. And gentle. So gentle. I remember the way she used to wash my face. I can close my eyes and feel it. No matter how dirty my face was, she was always so gentle. I loved to spend the night with her, there above the store. Her bed was so high. I remember her helping me say my prayers and then she would be silent, kneeling there, for the longest time. And she would cry. I remember looking at her and wondering why she was crying. She would do the same thing when I sat with her in church. I was raised in a Pentecostal Holiness church so you can imagine that it got a little loud at times. But my Nanny was never loud. She just silently wept. I never heard her raise her voice. I remember her kindness to others. I remember her patience. I remember how she used to treat everyone the same. I learned a lot about Jesus from her. My desire is to see my Nanny again some day. I want to ask her why she was crying. And I want to thank her for the impact she had on my life without her even knowing it.

The older I get the more I realize just how precious our memories are. When I am having a sleepless night, I go back to my childhood and re-live the details of it. I feel so thankful to be able to say that my past is a place that brought me joy. I wouldn't go back there so much if it wasn't. I haven't always thought that. I have had times where I was bitter and confused about some of the aspects of my past. I can honestly say now that I wouldn't trade any moment of it, the good and the hard. I see the good as a bonus and the hard as a necessity. Both make us who we are.

I'm glad I took that shortcut this morning.

Giving Thanks For All Of My Gifts.

I'm sitting here this Thanksgiving Eve, my cooking finished for the day. It's quiet in here as my husband is reading on his Kindle and my dog Eli is worn out from all of the food-begging he did today:) I am full. And it's not my stomach, although I had a good supper. I feel full in my heart. When I think of all the gifts I have been given so far in this life, I feel almost unworthy. Like they are too good to be true. They are gifts that I often take for granted, yet they are so precious. Money had nothing to do with these gifts, my Creator gave every one of them to me for free. For that I will forever be thankful.

----I'm thankful that God brought me and a boy from the rough side of the tracks together about 35 years ago and that through lots of ups and downs, we are more in love now than ever. He is a man who loves unconditionally. He is everything to me. I'm thankful that we are growing older together. Thank you God for the gift of my husband.

---I'm thankful that I have a daughter who is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I'm thankful that she is the kind of Mother to her boys that assures me that they will grow up never doubting her love for them. She will never know how proud I am of her for standing up for what she believes in and for working so hard to try to make a difference in other's lives by being real and honest. For that, a parent could not be more thankful. Thank you God for the gift of my daughter.

---I'm thankful for my son who will never know how much joy he has brought to my life. I've cheered him on through his triumphs and I've cried with him through his struggles and I admire him for the way he has handled both. His unwavering faith in God is a constant encouragement to me. I'm thankful that no matter what he may face in this life, he will ALWAYS know where his hope lies. Thank you God for giving me a son who teaches me what it means to have hope and to trust no matter what. Thank you for the gift of my son.

---I'm thankful for a son-in-law who fits into our family like a glove. The love and support that he has for my daughter and grandboys is mind-boggling to me. I watched him cry when he married and cry when his babies were born. I'm thankful that he has chosen to be real and every day, more and more I see him wanting to reach out to others. Thank you God for the gift of my other son.

---I'm thankful for my grandboys. As cheesy as it sounds, my heart truly feels joy when I am around them or when I think of them. When I am down, the medicine I use to lift me is their hugs and smiles. It works every time. Can't wait to see what life has in store for these two loved boys. Thank you God for the gift of my grandsons.

---I'm thankful for all my family, but especially thankful for a brother who was given to me when I was 11 years old. I can't explain the bond we have had since he was born. We have been apart for most of our adult lives, but when I see him it's like he never left. I have no explanation for this except to say, he is in my life for a reason and I love him. Thank you God for the gift of all my family, and especially for this brother who, no matter what, has my heart forever.

---And finally, I'm thankful for the friends...ALL the friends who are like family to me. For old friends and new friends. Our paths have crossed for a reason and for that I am thankful. I'm thankful that friends who are true can be friends even when life or circumstances don't allow us to see each other a lot, talk to each other a lot, when we may not work together anymore, live in the same town, or go to the same church together anymore...whatever the reason, I'm thankful that once you are my friend...you are always my friend. Thank you God for the gift of the many friends You have allowed me to have.

"Being enriched in every thing to all bountifulness, which causes through us thanksgiving to God".
2 Corinthians 9:11

Things I Know Without A Doubt

1. There is a God.
2. Family is everything.
3. I need friends.
4. People are hurting.
5. Everything that is taught to you is not necessarily true.
6. We should listen more than we talk.
7. "Religion" helps no one.
8. Birth is a miracle.
9. So are the mountains.
10. And the ocean.
11. Music is good.
12. Good food is spiritual.
13. Church should be for ALL people.
14. Love can heal.
15. Jesus is Love.

Introduction to my book: The View From Where I Stand

First of all, let's get the record straight. There is no arrogance here. I am a nobody. This is not an easy book to write. The words come pouring out of me faster than I can stop them. I write because I can't not write. I am convinced beyond a doubt that someone has to hear what I have to say. I have known it for a while. Telling this story gets rid of that knawing feeling inside of me and I want to get rid of that feeling. So I have to believe that it is meant to be. I have worried about offending a few by telling my story but the knowledge that a great many more will be helped rather than offended pushes me on.

I feel like I am in the middle of something. The beginning is over and I can't see the end. I am in the middle. The window of opportunity is short here in the middle. It is imperative that I get these words, these thoughts, these revelations down before it is too late. I want you to read my story. Some of you may be tempted to stop reading because you think my story is too "religious". If you will just keep reading you will find that it is far from that. Some of you may want to stop reading because you do not agree with me or you take offense to some of the things I say. I mean no offense. And you do not have to agree with me. This is just my story. My honest story.

Small Town Kindness

I love unexpected heartfelt moments that happen in my life. This particular one happened in the small town of Mount Airy, NC. Mayberry..... home of one of my favorite shows to this day, Andy Griffith. My husband, my dog Eli, and myself stopped for an overnight visit during our summer vacation. I had wanted to visit here for a long time so I was super excited. We checked out of our motel and headed for the downtown area. Main street was just as charming as I had been told. The quaint shops were nestled all together on both sides of the street. I was in heaven. Ricky and Eli waited patiently for me on the benches outside of the shops. The day was hot. No....... sweltering. By the way, I have the BEST husband. Since Eli couldn't go into the stores, he waited with him outside in the heat. And he didn't complain once. As I have said before, he may not be a candy/flowers kind of guy, but I have never doubted his love for me. When I am happy, he is genuinely happy. Means much more than flowers to me....:) Anyways, back to Mayberry. As I went from shop to shop I noticed an older, shabbily dressed man walking up and down the street, stopping to ask people for money. Most people would either ignore him or shake their heads no at him. In fact I never saw anyone give him money. It was obvious that he was a regular beggar on the streets in this town. To be honest, my initial reaction was that of most. Every town has them. They just want money for drugs. They can work just like I do. The charm of the shops took my attention away from this beggar as I made my way from one piece of heaven to another. After about an hour and a half, I was feeling pretty sorry for my sweating hubby and pup, so I decided to call it a day. There was one final thing I had to do though and that was to go to Snappy's and get me a famous pork chop sandwich. Mind you I was not hungry. My husband even protested a little saying, "We just ate breakfast....how can you be hungry? And LOOK at that line! Do you have to?!" Now, if you know me at all, I am never going to go to a place that boasts that they have a famous anything and not try it. It's not going to happen. My husband knows this too so he just sighed and plopped back down on the bench. Eli plopped too. He also knows me well:) Almost every seat in the little diner was full and there was a line to order. There was no stopping me. When it was my turn, I happily ordered one pork chop sandwich to go. "How would you like it, hon?" asked the waitress in her best southern drawl. "Just the famous way it comes!" I replied. She smiled as she yelled to the back, "one to go all the way!" I took a seat to wait for my delicacy. That was when I noticed the door open and in walked the beggar, dirty, sweaty, and smelly. He looked at no one but walked past the tourists and took the only seat left in the corner of the diner. Because of the crowd and because of his smell, I was sure that one of the waitresses would ask him to leave. But that is not what happened. Instead, a woman who I believe to be the owner noticed him through all of the busyness and said, "Hey Bill. You need a drink of water?" The poor man didn't even look up but nodded his sweaty head. I looked around the restaurant. No one seemed to be paying attention to this scenario. She filled a cup and took him the water which he could not get down fast enough. Then he just sat there, looking at no one. All I could think of at the moment was, wow. The owner of this place could have very well run this nuisance of a man out of her crowded establishment with good reason and she chose not to. Instead she chose to give him a drink of water. Wow. I don't cry much but when I do it is usually at the most inopportune times. And when no one else is. As I dabbed my eyes and tried not to look like a nut, I heard the waitress say, "Here's your sandwich hon." My $4 famous pork chop sandwich that I was GOING to eat even if I wasn't hungry. As I was paying, I asked the waitress, "I heard that man begging for money earlier. Do you think he is hungry?" "Probably," she replied. " If we have any leftover biscuits and gravy, the owner will usually give him some."

I nodded, took my change and made my way out into the heat. "I sure hope that sandwich is worth it" Ricky said as we drove away. I smiled as I unwrapped my treasure. The famous sandwich was indeed good but the feeling inside my heart was so much better. I love it when I feel that I am changed because of a certain moment in time. When my faith is restored in the realness of a situation. That the small town of Mayberry is not just a place that we wish existed, it does. We just need to open our eyes wide enough to actually see it. I hope to return to "Mayberry" some day. If you are ever in that area, be sure to go to Snappy's for lunch. Good folks work there:) As for the beggar? I hope he enjoyed his pork chop sandwich as much as I did mine:)

The Coolness of the Shade

I tried to convince myself not to take a walk down the lane this morning. The temperature was already at 90 degrees even before 8am and the air quality was in the red due to the smoke. One would think that I would get bored with that early morning walk, day after day, the same old path, the same old sights. I'll admit that most days are truly routine. It is what it is, just a walk, a bit of exercise for both Eli and myself. Today seemed no different. The sun was scorching hot as there are no trees for shade the whole length of the quarter mile down and back. I was unsettled this morning as I walked towards the end of the lane. Thoughts were of the heat, the smoke, my aches, my worries. I try not to worry. Some days I am better at that than others. I try not to let my mind go to thoughts of, " Does He really and truly hear me when I pray? Why does He allow so much hurt in our world? What is all of this about anyway?" The sun is so hot and so are my tears. I struggle to keep an eye on Eli through the sweat and tears that run down my face. Unsettled. I hate the feeling of His silence. I pray for signs. I pray for faith. Today is a day when I don't really know what to pray for. And it is hot. And I am tired. Just let me get this walk over with. I want to go home.

I get to the end of the lane. It is a clearing where there are many tall trees and shade. Cool shade. The temperature seems to suddenly drop at least 20 degrees as I reach that spot. I stand still and look straight up as far as the trees will let me. As the outside noise settles down, so does my weeping. All I can hear is the song of the birds, quiet and sweet. I close my eyes and enjoy the cool gentle breeze that takes the place of the scorching heat. Eli sits quietly beside me with his happy face on. Even he seems to know that I need for him to be still. So I can hear. So I can see. So I can hope. It is cool. So cool. I see a bluebird dart out of the trees. I have never seen a bluebird before. I marvel at how blue they really are. Eli doesn't move but his ears perk up. There, running across the field is a kyote. My breath catches. I have been told that they are around here, but this is my first sighting. I stand for a while longer listening to the bird chorus. I spot a deer in the distance. He pays no attention to us as he moves closer, his mind on breakfast. I am amazed at how close he gets to us. Suddenly Eli moves and he sees us. He stands for a few seconds and looks me straight in the eye. He is beautiful. As quickly as he appeared, he is gone. And it is silent. Even the birds are quiet. I dread to leave my coolness for the heat. But I must go home. As I head out into the sun's path, the walk back is different. It is still hot and I am still sweating, however my tears this time are not bitter, but rather they are tears of thankfulness. For He has allowed me to once again be content with the fact that He's got this. This is His puzzle, not mine to solve. I cannot re-write His story, nor should I want to. I pray that I get to the place where I trust Him completely. Through the pain. Through the confusion. Through the devastation. Always with the knowledge that I will never see His big picture here. Knowing that He truly is working all things for my good. Some would say this attitude is a cop-out. Some see it as a sign of weakness. I know. I have thought that same thing many times myself. But there is always that flicker of hope deep inside of me that it is all true. That I really am His child. That the essence of who I am will go back to the place where I came from. That He watches over me in the scorching sun as well as in the coolness of the shade.

SUNSCREEN IS A GOOD THING!

I am a pretty private person. So why do I blog? Well, I came to the realization recently that unless we share our own stories, we cannot possibly help someone else who may share the same experiences. Today I want to share my story about skin cancer. It may not be for the faint:)

Yesterday I spent the day in Norfolk and Virginia Beach with my wonderful rock of a husband. I was there to have a tiny little skin cancer called a Basal Cell Carcinoma (a scary word) removed from my left cheek. If you know me, you probably have never even noticed it over these past 3 (yes at least 3!) years. Seriously it was probably the size of a small pea. And clear. The color was almost that of my regular complexion. Just a raised little pea-sized bump that started to bleed and not heal. So I finally went to get it checked. Basal Cell Carcinoma. A skin cancer that comes from years of UV exposure. Now, I have never been much of a sun worshiper/tanner, but I have spent many a day in the sun watching my husband play softball. Without sunscreen. Still never thought it could happen to me.

So I started the day yesterday with the dermatologist. I was told that he would start by removing the lesion , me waiting an hour in the waiting room with a bandage on my face, and then them telling me if they got it all or if they would have to go back in and go deeper. This could go on for 2, 3 , 4 or more times, with me waiting an hour between. Ugg. Sure wasn't looking forward to that. A little anxious, to be sure. So after the first round I waited with my bandage in the waiting room, praying that I would not have to go back, but preparing myself that I would because of how long it had been there. After about an hour the nurse came out and told me that I was done! Relief. Sincere thanks for all the special people who were praying for me during that very time :) Now I could go across town to the plastic surgeon to get put back together.

I had to go to Va. Beach ambulatory surgery and be put to sleep to be fixed up by the plastic surgeon. You just wouldn't think that something so small on the outside of the skin could be so much more involved on the inside. I can't imagine how much more involved it would have been had it been deeper. The plastic surgeon and nurses told me that they were surprised that the dermatologist only had to go in once. I choose to believe that it was prayer. I'm not sure why some prayers seem to go unanswered but I do know that there is a purpose for everything to work out like it does. It is not an easy thing to completely trust Him in all areas of my life, but I am learning. And I find that I am more at peace. But that is another blog:)

So after I woke up a little, they sent me home with a big old ice pack on my numb face. When I took the ice pack off, I looked like I had been hit with a baseball bat on the left side of my face. My husband said I was still pretty. Now that's called unconditional love. Don't know what I would do without that man:) The picture above is from the day after. I didn't want to scare you too much:) The swelling has gone down tremendously. Ice works:)

Now the good news is that Basal Cell Carcinoma does not spread to other body places. When it's out, it's gone. And the plastic surgeon had told me that in 6 months you will not even be able to see the scar. A wonderful ending to be sure:)

Don't want to scare anyone. Or sound preachy or judgmental. But wear sunscreen. Be happy with the color of your natural skin. Go get that worrisome place looked at. And above all don't think that it can't happen to you.

Love to all.....

Things I Would Go Back And Tell My 20 Year Old Self If I Could

1. Time iThings I Would Go Back And Tell My 20 Year Old Self If I Could

1. Time is going to FLY from now on. Live in the present as much as you can.

2. Don't allow yourself to WORRY so much. Believe me, it will not change a thing.

3. Your children are seriously not going to be little for long. It seems like they will, but as soon as you turn around, they are grown. It literally happens in the blink of an eye. Cherish every moment.

4. Love and accept your husband for who he is. Tell him every day how much he means to you.

5. You will not be able to fix everything for everybody no matter how hard you try. It is not in your control.

6. Find your peace. If something doesn't seem right to you, don't wait so long to question it.
It's OK to question. Just because you have been taught it all your life doesn't make it right.

7. Always put yourself in other's shoes. Don't judge. Treat everyone the same. In other words, treat people like Jesus did. Love unconditionally. Listen more than you talk. Have lots of compassion.

8. Take care of yourself. Eat right most of the time and get exercise every day. Wear sunscreen. Encourage those you love to do the same. If you don't do this, you will pay later.

9. Give and then give some more. Even if you don't think you can, give. Save all you can for the future, even if it is not much. Pay off your credit cards and cut them up.

10. Laugh a lot. Don't take life too seriously. Have a screen porch as soon as you can. Watch a lot of sunrises and sunsets. And don't forget to thank the Good Lord everyday for all that He blesses you with.s going to FLY from now on. Live in the present as much as you can.

2. Don't allow yourself to WORRY so much. Believe me, it will not change a thing.

3. Your children are seriously not going to be little for long. It seems like they will, but as soon as you turn around, they are grown. It literally happens in the blink of an eye. Cherish every moment.

4. Love and accept your husband for who he is. Tell him every day how much he means to you.

5. You will not be able to fix everything for everybody no matter how hard you try. It is not in your control.

6. Find your peace. If something doesn't seem right to you, don't wait so long to question it.
It's OK to question. Just because you have been taught it all your life doesn't make it right.

7. Always put yourself in other's shoes. Don't judge. Treat everyone the same. In other words, treat people like Jesus did. Love unconditionally. Listen more than you talk. Have lots of compassion.

8. Take care of yourself. Eat right most of the time and get exercise every day. Wear sunscreen. Encourage those you love to do the same. If you don't do this, you will pay later.

9. Give and then give some more. Even if you don't think you can, give. Save all you can for the future, even if it is not much. Pay off your credit cards and cut them up.

10. Laugh a lot. Don't take life too seriously. Have a screen porch as soon as you can. Watch a lot of sunrises and sunsets. And don't forget to thank the Good Lord everyday for all that He blesses you with.

When I Retire

Here are some things I plan to do when I retire. Notice I said PLAN. In this life, nothing is guaranteed.

Not necessarily in order:

1. Write.


2. See my mama more.


3. Join the Y.


4. Drive to the Y.


5. Get out of my car and actually go into the Y. At least 3 times a week. To work out.


6. Learn to swim.


7. Keep my grandboys more.


8. Read.


9. Have coffee while swinging on my porch early every morning. Bundled up if it is cold.


10. Walk the dog more. Much to his delight.


11. Cook breakfast every weekday morning. Much to my husband's delight.


12. Eat breakfast. A healthy one.


13. Start that book.


14. Finally take a cruise to Alaska. With my soul mate:)


15. Volunteer. Especially at church.


16. Cook supper for my busy daughter and son-in-law. Once or twice a week.


17. Take pictures.


18. Sit and do nothing.


19. Look at years worth of pictures and old home movies.


20. Go to bed later.


21. Have lunch with girlfriends. A lot.


22. Substitute teach. But not on Mondays or Fridays:)


23. Take frequent trips to Nashville. You know what for:)


24. Clean my house. Good. Finally.


25. Tutor children.


26. Go to Trader Joe's weekly.


27. Have decaf while sitting on my porch every evening. With my soul mate. Bundled up if needed.


28. Read.


29. Write some more.


30. Sit and do nothing.