I tried to convince myself not to take a walk down the lane this morning. The temperature was already at 90 degrees even before 8am and the air quality was in the red due to the smoke. One would think that I would get bored with that early morning walk, day after day, the same old path, the same old sights. I'll admit that most days are truly routine. It is what it is, just a walk, a bit of exercise for both Eli and myself. Today seemed no different. The sun was scorching hot as there are no trees for shade the whole length of the quarter mile down and back. I was unsettled this morning as I walked towards the end of the lane. Thoughts were of the heat, the smoke, my aches, my worries. I try not to worry. Some days I am better at that than others. I try not to let my mind go to thoughts of, " Does He really and truly hear me when I pray? Why does He allow so much hurt in our world? What is all of this about anyway?" The sun is so hot and so are my tears. I struggle to keep an eye on Eli through the sweat and tears that run down my face. Unsettled. I hate the feeling of His silence. I pray for signs. I pray for faith. Today is a day when I don't really know what to pray for. And it is hot. And I am tired. Just let me get this walk over with. I want to go home.
I get to the end of the lane. It is a clearing where there are many tall trees and shade. Cool shade. The temperature seems to suddenly drop at least 20 degrees as I reach that spot. I stand still and look straight up as far as the trees will let me. As the outside noise settles down, so does my weeping. All I can hear is the song of the birds, quiet and sweet. I close my eyes and enjoy the cool gentle breeze that takes the place of the scorching heat. Eli sits quietly beside me with his happy face on. Even he seems to know that I need for him to be still. So I can hear. So I can see. So I can hope. It is cool. So cool. I see a bluebird dart out of the trees. I have never seen a bluebird before. I marvel at how blue they really are. Eli doesn't move but his ears perk up. There, running across the field is a kyote. My breath catches. I have been told that they are around here, but this is my first sighting. I stand for a while longer listening to the bird chorus. I spot a deer in the distance. He pays no attention to us as he moves closer, his mind on breakfast. I am amazed at how close he gets to us. Suddenly Eli moves and he sees us. He stands for a few seconds and looks me straight in the eye. He is beautiful. As quickly as he appeared, he is gone. And it is silent. Even the birds are quiet. I dread to leave my coolness for the heat. But I must go home. As I head out into the sun's path, the walk back is different. It is still hot and I am still sweating, however my tears this time are not bitter, but rather they are tears of thankfulness. For He has allowed me to once again be content with the fact that He's got this. This is His puzzle, not mine to solve. I cannot re-write His story, nor should I want to. I pray that I get to the place where I trust Him completely. Through the pain. Through the confusion. Through the devastation. Always with the knowledge that I will never see His big picture here. Knowing that He truly is working all things for my good. Some would say this attitude is a cop-out. Some see it as a sign of weakness. I know. I have thought that same thing many times myself. But there is always that flicker of hope deep inside of me that it is all true. That I really am His child. That the essence of who I am will go back to the place where I came from. That He watches over me in the scorching sun as well as in the coolness of the shade.
