Walk This Road With Me Will You? Chapter 10

It has been over 4 months since my last blog. I have been waiting for my son to send me his story.  I have been saying to him: "I need your story. I told everyone it was next."
To which he would reply:  "I know. I'm working on it.  Mama, I don't really like one-sided conversation. I just wish all of the people who will read this could be sitting with me in person so they could talk back with me and I could try to answer their questions."
I do get that. But we both realize that it can't happen like that with everyone. So it has to be written.
He tells me that he is starting his own blog. Because I am a firm believer that we should share our stories, I am happy about that.
Here is his first chapter......

 "Let me start by saying this: I would so much rather have a conversation with each of you than write an essay of my life for you to read. I’m better at dialogue than I am script. When I first started writing this, I was overwhelmed by the task of saying everything perfectly. I wanted to make sure everyone who read my story understood all of it, completely. Now, four months later, I realize that’s not going to happen. My story is mine, and all I have to do is tell it. 

God, I thank you for being real in my life. Thank you for loving me enough to pursue me and speak truth to me. I ask that You would be in every word I write. Let Your Holy Spirit move right now, as I tell about how You’ve revealed Yourself to me. Your Word tells us that we overcome by the blood of The Lamb, and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). I pray that You would release deliverance, healing, revelation and truth through the word of my testimony.

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in God. I mean, I heard about Jesus before I heard about almost anything else. There are pros and cons to that I guess. There’s a part of me that wants to remember that moment when I first acknowledged the existence of a Savior. On the other hand, I’m unbelievably thankful that I was born into a family who focused on Faith. It should be said that I wouldn’t change a thing.

I remember very clearly the dreams I had as a child. I used to try to imagine myself as a grown-up, and everything my little mind thought that would look like.Those pictures would make me happy. I saw myself married to a woman I was in love with. I saw a bunch of kids running around, my kids. I saw myself sitting at a piano on an empty stage, eyes closed, singing about the greatness of God. 

I also remember when those vivid dreams started to fade. It wasn’t all at once. It was over a long, toilsome, cloudy period of time. I was fourteen when I first acknowledged my same-sex attraction to my mother. I didn’t have to say anything, mind you, she already knew. She still listened to me try to explain it though, something I myself didn’t even understand. She cried with me as I expressed how much I didn’t want it. She was wonderful. I wouldn’t find out how deeply it affected her until much later. 

There are a lot of important truths I am now aware of that I was clueless to back then. To walk you through every question, every prayer, every tear, every fear, every decision, every relationship, every stance, every fleeting idea of truth would be pointlessly difficult. However, I will tell you what I have constantly been in pursuit of: truth. I wanted to know what was true. Don’t get me wrong, I knew parts of the truth. The parts about Jesus, salvation, grace, eternity - I was fairly clear on those things. What I was uncertain of was how to reconcile my seemingly unchangeable sexuality with my Faith. In a span of 15 years, I read countless books, watched several documentaries, and sought council from family, friends, pastors, and strangers. All in pursuit of truth. During those 15 years, the seasons of victory and clarity were overwhelmingly shadowed by seasons of confusion and defeat. It was as if I came to an impassable wall. I was stuck. 

Here’s the thing about coming to a wall and staying there: you start settling. You’re eventually forced to start making decisions out of defeat, and that is exactly what I did. I looked around at the only options I thought were available to me and I began making my decisions based on what I saw. Convincing arguments that were biblically unsound began sounding more and more appealing. I started viewing the issue as more of a social matter (I wanted it to be socially logical), rather than that of a spiritual one (I no longer needed it to line up with God’s Word). This road assisted in leading me to Spiritual death.

There was another factor that was an even bigger contributor to my Spiritual decay.That was the absence of The Holy Spirit in my life. This is the most important part of my story. For in the resolution of this problem, everything else in my life made sense. Like I said, I grew up in church and had a relationship with Jesus Christ. But because of misguidance and misrepresentation of The Holy Spirit I had seen as a child, I unknowingly shut out the existence of the true Spirit of God, and the power that is available through Him in our lives.

I was raised in a charismatic church. I have so many incredible memories and love so many people from that church. However, I saw things that didn’t make sense. I heard people speak in tongues without any explanation as to the purpose. I watched them shout, and run, and participate in other emotionally charged things, but I didn’t see how those things helped anyone outside the walls of the church. I didn’t see a point to any of it. I didn’t see how that was helping other people at all. So, I decided to figure out what was “real”. I started isolating everything that resembled what I had been told “The Holy Ghost” was, and labeled it all nonsense. I began despising anything that looked similar to the way I was raised. I developed a very comfortable and logical faith in a very  practical and understanding God, a God who adjusted himself to the needs of our ever-changing society. I was lost and confused, with no foundation to rely on. I had removed the stability of the Word of God, and rejected the power of His Spirit in my life. 

Then something unbelievable happened. In November 2011, some good friends of mine invited me to attend what I thought was a crazy Pentecostal conference. They could see that I was searching for answers. They could tell that something wasn’t right with me. So they invited me and prayed for me. I declined the first several invitations. I actually ridiculed most of them for being involved with it. You know what they did? They continued to pray for me. Then, in March 2012, I decided to go. I went with caution and hesitancy. I went with my questions. I went with my answers. I went with my problems, struggles, and issues. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The realness of God hit me in the face. The power of His Holy Spirit was awakened in my life for the first time. There’s no way for me to explain every detail of that night. I listened to godly people talk about things I had heard before. I sat in skepticism for the majority of the teaching. I even contemplated walking out after a few minutes. But I stayed; I listened. At the end of the teaching, I glued myself to my chair as other people, friends of mine, made their way to the front to experience the presence of God. I wanted to leave. Instead, I asked God to show me truth - show me what was real. And He did. He revealed Himself to me in a way that I had never experienced. Something inside me knew He was asking me to step out in faith and believe. When I opened myself up to Him, He showed up in a very real way. The rest of the week was filled with so many biblical truths about who God is, who we are, and how our identity is found in Him alone.  

What I learned has literally been life-changing. 

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe in the salvation that is offered through His sacrifice (Romans 5:8-9). I will continually work to make Jesus the Lord of my life. I have been born of the Holy Spirit of God. I believe that the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead is the same Spirit that lives in me; His power is available to me (Romans 8:11). The Word of God is truth. I believe that it reveals the heart of God. I believe that faith comes when we hear it. (Romans 10:17) 

This is who I am. This is my identity. Everything else in my life must line up with this. That is the decision I have made. Do I still have questions? Yes. Do I know what’s best for everyone? No. I am only telling you my story. And my story isn’t over. 
If anything, it’s just beginning."