Don't Let Me Forget

I was sitting at my desk at work this morning, eating my Egg McMuffin and looking at the morning paper before I started my day. I had my heater on at my feet and I was very warm and toasty. All of a sudden my eyes landed on a picture in the paper of a Haitian woman who had been pulled out of the earthquake rubble after 43 hours of being buried alive. There were rescue workers and others smiling all around her. She had both arms held high in the air. I'm pretty sure she was thinking, "I'm alive!" No, on the other hand I cannot imagine what she was thinking. Nor can I imagine what she had been thinking during the prior 43 hours as she lay helpless under the rubble. What was she thinking? Can you imagine?

What struck me the most was the expression on the face of the woman beside her who was holding on to her. I'm not sure if she was a relative, but by the look of relief and joy that was evident on her face, she must have loved this rescued woman. I started to take another bite of my sandwich and suddenly my mind was flooded with the thought of, my God.....how must that feel? I tried to mentally picture me frantically searching for days for one of my loved ones , praying and holding on to hope for them, then finding them, digging with all my might to get them out, praying, begging, screaming for God to show mercy and finally the knowledge that they were miraculously alive. Against all odds....alive. Imagine it for yourself. What must that feel like?

Before I could get a hold of myself, one of my co-workers came into my office and asked me why I was crying. I showed her the picture. I asked, "Can you imagine?" As tears filled her eyes, she softly answered, "No. No I can't." Another co-worker came in and we shared the story with her. There were very few words exchanged, just a silent understanding of how blessed we are. So blessed. To the point of being ashamed, we are blessed.

I couldn't finish my Egg McMuffin. I had lost my appetite. Oh, it will come back, you can bet on that. In a few hours I'm sure I will be thinking what my next meal will be. You see, I rarely miss a meal. Oh, I've fasted meals before, but always with the knowledge that food was just around the corner. I am so comfortable. I'm surely not going to deprive myself but for so long, never have. Last week we didn't have heat in the school for a couple of days and you would have thought that my world had come to an end. Sitting there with my new Christmas coat on, my $30 gloves, my designer ear muffs, with my cold lips poked out. Drinking my coffeehouse coffee and eating my fast food sandwich. With my lips poked out.

I am so comfortable.

I cut that picture out and put it in my daily calendar. I don't want to forget it. Like I always do. I cry a little bit over the devastation and then I forget it. It doesn't change me. I want it to change me. God help me to change. Not just cry over the sadness and then forget it. Do all that You can to help me remember it. I want to be the change that helps to make the difference. I want that more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.

A New Year

I always do this. I always get extremely reflective on the last day of the year. I think a lot of people do. This year I am going to do something different. I am going to write down what I am reflecting on. I write it down not only because I do love to write but also, more importantly, I never want to forget what I am thinking in these moments. I will pull this note up frequently to remind myself of what is of utmost importance for my life. Not for your life. You should have your own set of reflections. These thoughts are for my own toes.

1. I want to be more honest. Not that I am dishonest, I don't mean that. I mean that I want to be able to tell others exactly what I am thinking and feeling without offending. Is that possible?
Wouldn't it be great if we could express our true and real feelings to others without fear of rejection and judgement? Realizing that we all have different stories? Being able to walk in someone else's shoes, to TRULY put ourselves in their shoes and feel their pain? Or their joy?
I want to be able to do that. And I want to surround myself with people who will do that for me.

2. I want to share my faith with others in a way that always sends a message of love, not hate. Love, not misunderstanding. When I "take a stand" on Christian issues, I want to do it in a way that brings peace, not more confusion. How do I convey the message of Christ in a way that will soften other's hearts, not make them roll their eyes and think that I am just another religious fanatic who loves to quote Bible verses and condemn those who are not like me? How do I make them see that we are just the same? That it is grace and grace alone that frees us all?

3. I don't want to be a deep thinker anymore. I want to give it up for a while. I want to live simply and laugh a lot. I want to be more spontaneous and less organized. Get rid of my calendar. Stop writing EVERYTHING down in it. I'm tired of planning. I'm exhausted trying to figure it all out. Not gonna do it anymore. From now on, it's one day at a time. I need to keep remembering that LIFE is what happens while I'm busy making other plans.......

4. This is not a resolution. I refuse to make resolutions. But I want to take better care of myself. I want to eat more healthfully and move my body more. That's it. I will not make ANY food off limits and I will NOT become obsessed with exercise. I will maintain a healthy balance. I hope to do this for the rest of my life.

5. I want to share myself more with others. While I do believe that all of us need some "alone" time, I have a tendency to retreat into my own little world at times and I am aware that this practice is not healthy. I need you. I want you to need me. It is the right thing. It is what is supposed to be. Sometimes it overwhelms me to think about all of the wonderful people who are in my life. And I do mean wonderful. It's amazing.

6. I need to keep reminding myself that I am on a journey. Sometimes it seems like the now will last forever, but it will not. For NONE of us, no matter who we are or what we believe. This journey for me on Earth seems long at times, but in reality it's very brief. I want to make this gift called life count. It's the only chance I get. I want to say the things I need to say and do the things I need to do. I need to keep reminding myself that my life is a round trip. It's been quite an adventure so far. I'm not sure how long it will take me to get back, but I am on my way to the place where I came from. I am on my way home.


Happy 2010!I always do this. I always get extremely reflective on the last day of the year. I think a lot of people do. This year I am going to do something different. I am going to write down what I am reflecting on. I write it down not only because I do love to write but also, more importantly, I never want to forget what I am thinking in these moments. I will pull this note up frequently to remind myself of what is of utmost importance for my life. Not for your life. You should have your own set of reflections. These thoughts are for my own toes.

1. I want to be more honest. Not that I am dishonest, I don't mean that. I mean that I want to be able to tell others exactly what I am thinking and feeling without offending. Is that possible?
Wouldn't it be great if we could express our true and real feelings to others without fear of rejection and judgement? Realizing that we all have different stories? Being able to walk in someone else's shoes, to TRULY put ourselves in their shoes and feel their pain? Or their joy?
I want to be able to do that. And I want to surround myself with people who will do that for me.

2. I want to share my faith with others in a way that always sends a message of love, not hate. Love, not misunderstanding. When I "take a stand" on Christian issues, I want to do it in a way that brings peace, not more confusion. How do I convey the message of Christ in a way that will soften other's hearts, not make them roll their eyes and think that I am just another religious fanatic who loves to quote Bible verses and condemn those who are not like me? How do I make them see that we are just the same? That it is grace and grace alone that frees us all?

3. I don't want to be a deep thinker anymore. I want to give it up for a while. I want to live simply and laugh a lot. I want to be more spontaneous and less organized. Get rid of my calendar. Stop writing EVERYTHING down in it. I'm tired of planning. I'm exhausted trying to figure it all out. Not gonna do it anymore. From now on, it's one day at a time. I need to keep remembering that LIFE is what happens while I'm busy making other plans.......

4. This is not a resolution. I refuse to make resolutions. But I want to take better care of myself. I want to eat more healthfully and move my body more. That's it. I will not make ANY food off limits and I will NOT become obsessed with exercise. I will maintain a healthy balance. I hope to do this for the rest of my life.

5. I want to share myself more with others. While I do believe that all of us need some "alone" time, I have a tendency to retreat into my own little world at times and I am aware that this practice is not healthy. I need you. I want you to need me. It is the right thing. It is what is supposed to be. Sometimes it overwhelms me to think about all of the wonderful people who are in my life. And I do mean wonderful. It's amazing.

6. I need to keep reminding myself that I am on a journey. Sometimes it seems like the now will last forever, but it will not. For NONE of us, no matter who we are or what we believe. This journey for me on Earth seems long at times, but in reality it's very brief. I want to make this gift called life count. It's the only chance I get. I want to say the things I need to say and do the things I need to do. I need to keep reminding myself that my life is a round trip. It's been quite an adventure so far. I'm not sure how long it will take me to get back, but I am on my way to the place where I came from. I am on my way home.


Happy 2010!

At The End Of The Lane

I took a walk down the lane early this morning, just as the sun was coming up. I honestly used to dread walking my dog Eli....that was before I discovered the lane. Now it seems I can't get there soon enough, much to Eli's delight. In the early morning the air is still cool and the dew is still there. No leash for Eli, as there are no houses, no traffic, just a horse and a couple of ponies grazing. They are used to us now and they don't even stare anymore. We have met rabbits and turtles on the lane, even a snake or two. The smell of honeysuckle and the beauty of the wildflowers cause me to smile every time. The thing I look for the most are the deer. The woods down the lane are full of them. Very rarely do they allow us to see them, but I know that they are there by the fresh prints of hooves in the dirt. Some days I stand very still and stare into the woods hoping to catch a glimpse of one. Don't tell anyone, but I have even yelled out to them. "Come on out, we won't hurt you!. We just want to see you!" Silly, I know.
Eli walks far ahead of me, oblivious to my singing..... or to my crying. With no one around, no one to judge me, I feel free enough to open up. People would think I had lost it, but the animals don't mind. As I walk, my joys, cares and worries just seem to surface. The faster I walk the louder I sing. Or cry. When I get to the end of the lane sometimes I am sobbing. I just stand there with no person looking and I cry. Some days the crying is joyful. The peace and thankfulness I feel is overwhelming at times. Some days I stare up at the sky and I cry and wonder if He is really there at all. I stand very still and stare upwards, hoping to catch a glimpse of Him. Once I even cried out, "Where are You? Why don't You speak to me? What is this all about?" The questioning and confusion I feel is overwhelming at times.
Then I remember the deer prints in the dirt. I stand in the quiet and look, and listen. I hear the birds and no words can describe their sound in the early morning. The soft wind blows the smell of the honeysuckle my way and I smile. I look and see the trees, the wildflowers, the clouds, the sun, the horses, my Eli. I close my eyes and enjoy the sense of peace and thankfulness that washes over me, if only for this moment. He lets me know that, like the deer, even though I can't always see or feel Him, He is there. He has left His prints for me. For us. I am thankful.
I am so looking forward to my walk tomorrow. Down the lane.