It was night. It was dark. I was driving, alone. I came to a stop and knew that I had to turn right. There were no other cars on the roads. I made the turn and began to pick up speed. The roads were familiar but I can't tell you where I was. I knew that I was going to close my eyes. I was not sleepy. I was going fast. I felt like this was really happening. I closed my eyes. I knew that in a few seconds I would run off the side of the road. I felt it happen. I was aware that I could open my eyes any second and pull the car back on the road. I chose not to do that. I felt the jerking and shaking of the car as it plowed off the road and into whatever would be. I didn't slow down. The jerking and shaking got worse. The noise was deafening. I felt calm. I remember wondering when it was going to hurt. I waited for the pain. I was not afraid. I wanted this to be happening. It felt like this lasted forever, the jerking, the noise, the waiting. Then I suddenly woke up. My heart was racing. I could remember every detail of the dream. As I tried to make sense of it, at first I was disturbed. Did I want to die? I didn't think I wanted to die, I really love life. What could it mean?
For the rest of the night and into the morning, I re-lived the dream over and over. For some reason I didn't want to forget it. Have you ever tried to remember a dream the next day and couldn't for the life of you? Even though I couldn't make sense of it, I knew that it was important for me not to forget it. The next day as I was telling my husband about it, a strange thing began to happen. I was beginning to understand what I believe the dream meant for me.
I didn't realize it for a long time, but I have always been a controller of my life. I thought if I did this just right and did that just right, I would always have control of what goes on in my life and in the life of those that I loved. I thought that there was nothing that I could not fix. Just hand it over to Vicky, the fixer, and everything will be all right. Then life began to throw some things at me that I couldn't fix. That I couldn't control. The people I loved the most were being attacked. Cancer. Alzheimer's. Depression. Anxiety. Drug addiction. Identity. These were just too big for me. I didn't know how to fix them. I was devastated. I had lost control and that was very scary for me.
When I think back, I wonder now, who in the heck did I think I was? To think that I had the power to actually control my life and the lives of others? Really? And where had I placed God in all of this? I have been "churched" all of my life. I have always believed in God but I had a problem with trusting Him. If I allowed myself to trust, then I didn't feel in control. Besides, He didn't seem to be answering any of my prayers anyway. How could I trust Someone who I believed turned a deaf ear to my cries? I would wear the religious name for many years but I was unconvinced that He really cared about me and the affairs of my life.
Some people can go through life and never even have the desire to really seek the truth. They are content to believe and embrace whatever was taught to them or whatever they made their minds up about early on, even if it didn't make much sense. I have often wished I was like that. Life would be a lot easier. However I am not. I have questioned everything I have ever thought I believed at some point or another. I have gone down to the very depths of my soul and asked myself some very hard questions. Do I believe there is a God? That answer has always been unchanging for me. Nowhere in me is the belief that there is not One. A Godless universe and world makes no sense to me. My mind reasons that everything is too perfect to have just "happened". So if I believe in a Master Creator, as amazing as that is, what else do I believe? Why did He put us here? There must be a reason. Are we here for a purpose? There must be a plan. It makes no sense to believe otherwise. I think about the Bible and all of the incredible stories and I have heard over the years. Did it all really happen? Did this God really create an earth for us to live on, providing everything we need, giving us the ability to love, hate, be sad, and joyful? Did He later destroy the earth by a great flood? Was Noah a real person? Was Mary really a virgin when she had Jesus? Is He really the Son of God? Was He really who He said He was? Could He heal? Was it possible for Him to teach all of that in the short time He was here? Did He really love like that? Did He die on a cross? For us? And come back to life? Did that happen?
Some say we can never know the truth about it all. Doubters try to reason it away. Some of us just never think about it. I am not that person. I have to be settled about it. Once and for all.
The way I see it I have a choice. I can believe that:
There is no God. This all just "happened". There is no reason for us to be here. This life is all we have. It's all about us and whatever it takes to make ourselves happy. Why be concerned for others? When it's over, it's over. And that's all there is to it. Live for today because there really is no tomorrow.
Or I can believe this:
There is a God. It all really happened. He has a plan. We are here for a purpose. It is not just about us. We are here to share ourselves with others.
His Son is the way for us all. It only takes that belief, by faith, for us to live forever. We can live forever.
I ask myself, which one of these choices do I make? Which is the one that I truly believe, way down deep in the very pit of my being? And in asking myself that question I find that I really have known the answer all along.
If I believe any of it, then I believe it all.
I rarely open up. But this revelation that is changing my life is so vivid, so real, I need to tell you about it. It has been night for so long for me. I have often felt alone in my thinking. I am at a place where I know I need to make a turn. The right turn. I want to close my eyes and pick up speed. I want to trust Him with abandon and never look back. I know that at any second I can open my eyes and pick up that control again, but I choose not to. I realize that I will be jerked and shaken and life will be deafening and painful at times, but I want to stay calm and unafraid. I want to trust Him for what seems like forever. I want this to happen. And just as suddenly as I die, I want to wake up, heart racing, remembering every detail, re-living every promise, never forgetting that it is He and only He who is in control of every aspect of my life.
Even my dreams.
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