Just When

Just when I wake up hoping the day will bring something good and I end up going to bed that night with no new hope, just more worries,

Just when the pain is almost more than I can bear and it has lasted for days and I have tried to push through it the best I can,

Just when the surprise bills come all at the same time and the ones you love need things and there is always the need for money, money, money,

Just when the news tells of yet another child who has been violated, another family who has been killed, another bomb that has gone off,

Just when I read the comments on social media, the hate, the intolerance, the need to get even, the sarcastic darts thrown at our fellow humans,

Just when I embrace the mood, I’ve had enough, I want to scream at someone,

Just when I look up at the sky and wonder if there really is a God who sees us, who loves us, who cares,

Just when I've cried all that I can cry and now I sit and just stare because that’s all my numb mind can do at this point,

It’s then…just when I am at the point of giving in to that feeling of despair and hopelessness, that I see a person right in my own hometown who sleeps on a bench every night with all that he owns in a trash bag close beside him and I thank Him for my home and my bed and my things…

It’s then that I read about the many who suffer through unimaginable pain with no help in sight, no reason to hope, no relief from the worsening pain and I thank Him for medication and doctors and heating pads and comfort….

It’s then that I realize that I shop at Whole Foods, I drink expensive coffee at coffee shops, I grill a ribeye whenever I want to, I buy raw honey from a local health food store to sweeten my organic whole bean coffee, I take off on a trip whenever the mood strikes me, I buy my dog the best dogfood and I close my eyes and feel a sense of guilt and I know He wouldn't want me to because there is no condemnation from Him and I cry and tell Him that I thank Him and I love Him……

It’s then that He reminds me that we live in a hurting, broken world and that He didn't intend any of this for us, that as much as we can’t understand here, He has a plan and always has and promises that we will see that one day and He allows me to see that always always through the bad there is good…..always……

Just when I am on my porch in my swing and it is silent and the overthinking brain that He created in me is doubting and wondering and trying to figure it all out, it’s then that He sends me the cardinal. And she flies close up to me and stares at me. And I look out at the field of buttercups down the lane and I see them softly fluttering and I close my eyes and feel His wind whispering to me….that lifting of the lump in my chest, replaced by the light feeling of nothingness…..and I feel myself smile and it is that knowing in my heart that I’ve tried to explain to others but can’t put into words, the knowing that all is well and He is here and will always be….