Open The Eyes of My Heart, Lord

I feel like I've been mean lately. Not that anyone would notice, really. Except my husband. He has noticed. They say that when you are not in a good place, you are the worst to the ones you love the most, to the ones you feel most comfortable around. You can let your guard down. You can take it all out on them. You have to release to someone and the ones you love the most are just there. 

It is so unfair to them. 

I am not a complainer. Maybe it would help me if I was. 

Chronic pain will do something to you. It makes you not like yourself. It depresses you without you being aware that it is even happening. It causes you to shut the ones you love out. It makes you want to stay home. It steals your energy. 

It makes you mean.

I know that it is good and right to cherish every day and to not wish your life away but January is not my best month. Neither is February. Or March for that matter. They never have been, for as long as I can remember. I love April through December. I'm at my best in October. 

We are in the month of January.
My joints are on fire. Every day.

And I have been mean.

Maybe mean isn't the word I'm looking for. Impatient. On edge. Negative. 

My husband offered to wash the dishes the other night. And even though I am a control freak when it comes to my kitchen, I let him. And he didn't get a pan clean. Again. And I freaked. Again. I went on and on about that dirty pan. I couldn't stop myself to save my life. I didn't see at the time that it really had nothing to do with the pan. And for the rest of the evening, he couldn't get anything right. Yes, mean is the right word. And he just sat there and took it. 

So I went to bed early hoping I could fall asleep so I could get away from myself for a while. I cried for a long time. The thought came to me to go to him and hug him. I wasn't ready to let go of the meanness. Even though I hated it, I was taking some kind of comfort in it. I prayed like I usually do, even though I didn't feel worthy to do so. I prayed for Him to open my eyes, not realizing that He was trying to do just that and I was refusing to see it. 

Mean.

I usually get up before he does to fix his breakfast but I was still feeling mean so I decided it would be more dramatic if I just laid there. I wasn't in the mood to deal with any other human at this point. But I did need some coffee. So I decided I could probably sneak in the kitchen real quietly so as not to wake him up and get me a cup. Then my plan was to get right back in bed, not speak to him, and wallow in my meanness.

I was in the kitchen pouring my coffee when I heard him getting up. Great. I made my mind up I would just be silent. Not speak to him, make him realize that he needed to take some of the blame for my meanness. After all, he DID leave my pan dirty.  

Maybe he would just leave me be. Maybe he would just go get ready for work and not bother me. Maybe I had been mean enough to him that now I had made HIM mad. Maybe he would know that I didn't want conversation this morning. 

He did none of those things. 

Instead he stuck his head around the corner and looked at me. His eyes were sleepy and his hair was wild. He was still half asleep. And he asked in a voice still hoarse from sleep,  "How are you feeling today? You ok?"

Something broke in me when I saw him standing there, looking at me through squinted eyes, barely awake, his first thought of the day to see if I was ok. 

"I'm ok", I managed out. He nodded and went to get ready.

After all that meanness I had thrown at him, he wanted to make sure I was ok. 

I have never loved him more than I did at that moment. 

I stood at the coffeepot and sobbed. The clearness and the realness of my situation suddenly came into focus, that feeling of meanness inside of me gone for now.....

I have beautiful and good people in my life. I don't tell them enough how important they are to me. I let the worries and cares of life make me forget how much I desperately need them.

Keep opening my eyes Lord. I need for them to be open so that I can see You and so that I can keep remembering what this life is all about anyway.....