My Dream

I rarely dream. This one was so vivid, so real, I need to tell you about it. 
It was night. It was dark. I was driving, alone. I came to a stop and knew that I had to turn right. There were no other cars on the roads. I made the turn and began to pick up speed. The roads were familiar but I can't tell you where I was. I knew that I was going to close my eyes. I was not sleepy. I was going fast. I felt like this was really happening. I closed my eyes. I knew that in a few seconds I would run off the side of the road. I felt it happen. I was aware that I could open my eyes any second and pull the car back on the road. I chose not to do that. I felt the jerking and shaking of the car as it plowed off the road and into whatever would be. I didn't slow down. The jerking and shaking got worse. The noise was deafening. I felt calm. I remember wondering when it was going to hurt. I waited for the pain. I was not afraid. I wanted this to be happening. It felt like this lasted forever, the jerking, the noise, the waiting. Then I suddenly woke up. My heart was racing. I could remember every detail of the dream. As I tried to make sense of it, at first I was disturbed. Did I want to die? I didn't think I wanted to die, I really love life. What could it mean? 
For the rest of the night and into the morning, I re-lived the dream over and over. For some reason I didn't want to forget it. Have you ever tried to remember a dream the next day and couldn't for the life of you? Even though I couldn't make sense of it, I knew that it was important for me not to forget it. The next day as I was telling my husband about it, a strange thing began to happen. I was beginning to understand what I believe the dream meant for me. 
I didn't realize it for a long time, but I have always been a controller of my life. I thought if I did this just right and did that just right, I would always have control of what goes on in my life and in the life of those that I loved. I thought that there was nothing that I could not fix. Just hand it over to Vicky, the fixer, and everything will be all right. Then life began to throw some things at me that I couldn't fix. That I couldn't control. The people I loved the most were being attacked. Cancer. Alzheimer's. Depression. Anxiety. Drug addiction. Identity. These were just too big for me. I didn't know how to fix them. I was devastated. I had lost control and that was very scary for me. 
When I think back, I wonder now, who in the heck did I think I was? To think that I had the power to actually control my life and the lives of others? Really?  And where had I placed God in all of this? I have been "churched" all of my life. I have always believed in God but I had a problem with trusting Him. If I allowed myself to trust, then I didn't feel in control. Besides, He didn't seem to be answering any of my prayers anyway. How could I trust Someone who I believed turned a deaf ear to my cries? I would wear the religious name for many years but I was unconvinced that He really cared about me and the affairs of my life.
Some people can go through life and never even have the desire to really seek the truth. They are content to believe and embrace whatever was taught to them or whatever they made their minds up about early on, even if it didn't make much sense. I have often wished I was like that. Life would be a lot easier. However I am not. I have questioned everything I have ever thought I believed at some point or another. I have gone down to the very depths of my soul and asked myself some very hard questions. Do I believe there is a God? That answer has always been unchanging for me. Nowhere in me is the belief that there is not One. A Godless universe and world makes no sense to me. My mind reasons that everything is too perfect to have just "happened". So if I believe in a Master Creator, as amazing as that is, what else do I believe? Why did He put us here? There must be a reason. Are we here for a purpose? There must be a plan. It makes no sense to believe otherwise. I think about the Bible and all of the incredible stories and I have heard over the years. Did it all really happen? Did this God really create an earth for us to live on, providing everything we need, giving us the ability to love, hate, be sad, and joyful? Did He later destroy the earth by a great flood? Was Noah a real person? Was Mary really a virgin when she had Jesus? Is He really the Son of God? Was He really who He said He was? Could He heal? Was it possible for Him to teach all of that in the short time He was here? Did He really love like that? Did He die on a cross? For us? And come back to life? Did that happen? 
Some say we can never know the truth about it all. Doubters try to reason it away. Some of us just never think about it. I am not that person. I have to be settled about it. Once and for all.


The way I see it I have a choice. I can believe that:
There is no God. This all just "happened". There is no reason for us to be here. This life is all we have. It's all about us and whatever it takes to make ourselves happy. Why be concerned for others? When it's over, it's over. And that's all there is to it. Live for today because there really is no tomorrow.


Or I can believe this:  
There is a God. It all really happened. He has a plan. We are here for a purpose. It is not just about us. We are here to share ourselves with others. 
His Son is the way for us all. It only takes that belief, by faith, for us to live forever. We can live forever.


I ask myself, which one of these choices do I make? Which is the one that I truly believe, way down deep in the very pit of my being? And in asking myself that question I find that I really have known the answer all along.


If I believe any of it, then I believe it all.  


I rarely open up. But this revelation that is changing my life is so vivid, so real, I need to tell you about it. It has been night for so long for me. I have often felt alone in my thinking. I am at a place where I know I need to make a turn. The right turn. I want to close my eyes and pick up speed. I want to trust Him with abandon and never look back. I know that at any second I can open my eyes and pick up that control again, but I choose not to. I realize that I will be jerked and shaken and life will be deafening and painful at times, but I want to stay calm and unafraid. I want to trust Him for what seems like forever. I want this to happen. And just as suddenly as I die, I want to wake up, heart racing, remembering every detail, re-living every promise, never forgetting that it is He and only He who is in control of every aspect of my life.


Even my dreams.

Always Believe The Child

I can't get something off of my mind these past few days. That's how I know that I need to write it down and share it. It involves my 4 year old grandson Chandler. He spent the night with me a couple of nights ago. When Amber and Dale brought the boys to stay, Chandler was unusually quiet. Sometimes he gets that way when he is in one of his "moods", but this time was different. He stayed that way the whole evening, not talking much, not eating, not playing which was highly out of the ordinary for him. The only thing he complained of was a sore throat. He felt a little warm so after a dose of Tylenol, he was ready for bed. He didn't balk once about bedtime, again highly unusual for his always wide-open little self. He was asleep in no time. I said a prayer that he would feel better and went to bed early myself. Sometime in the middle of the night, he came and wanted to get in bed with me. He wanted to be right in my arms, so that is where he slept. Around dawn, as the sun was just peeking through the window, I looked at Chan and his eyes were wide open and he was staring at the window. It startled me a little that he was awake, he had been so still that I was sure he was asleep. He didn't feel feverish which was a relief. "Chan, what's wrong?" He didn't answer me and his gaze never left the window. Worried, I asked again, "Chandler, are you ok?" Still staring, he nodded his head. "Does your throat hurt?" No response. "What are you thinking about, buddy?" At this point a tiny smile came across his lips and he said, "I can't tell anybody." My stomach lurched and the red flags started popping up. Trying to keep my breath steady, I said, "You can tell Nanny anything, buddy. If you're worried about something it makes you feel better to tell adults who love you. We can help you." He was silent as he continued to stare at the window. I tried again. "What are you thinking about, Chan?" I wasn't prepared for his answer. Without blinking and in a soft whisper he replied, "God."

By now the sun was streaming brightly through the blinds. As his little body laid against me I asked, "What about God?" Still gazing at the sun, his sweet, innocent four year old voice said "He made all of us." We laid there for a while in silence, both of us staring at the beautiful rays. It was one of those moments where you knew that something supernatural was taking place. Now if you know me well, you are aware that I have done much soul-searching over the course of my life, always searching for answers about spirituality and religion, begging for something to make sense, longing to know the truth. While I so want to share my faith, one of the biggest fears in my life is that I will come across as overly religious because I have seen how that turns away people who are so desperately seeking hope. I have asked God many times to give me a "sign", to let me know somehow that everything will be ok and that He is in complete control of all of this. I have learned that the signs He gives can be so easily missed if I am not careful. In recent years I have come to understand faith and grace a little better and it brings me a peace that I cannot explain. I will never have all of the answers I seek but I do know something that is most important for me to believe. There is a God. And He made all of us. And if you don't believe me, just ask my sweet little four year old buddy :)

The Shortcut

I took a shortcut this morning. I had taken my husband his breakfast sandwich and I needed to mail a card so I ended up taking a shortcut down Bell Street. Haven't been down that street in years and don't really know what made me go that way today. Bell Street. My grandfather used to run a fish market/ grocery store on the corner there, years ago when I was a girl. As soon as I turned onto the street and was passing the corner where the store once stood, the memories began to flood my mind. The tears were unexpected. My heart lurched as I spotted the incline in the pavement where my siblings and I used to run up and down. We were so little. The memory was vivid. I literally almost had to pull over on the side of the road, my heart was beating so. Suddenly I remembered walking into the store, my Papa most often sitting at the old piano, playing a tune. The fish counter was on the right and I would always walk to it first and stare into the glassy eyes of the fish. It's funny to think of now, but I remember feeling sorry for them for some reason. I've never told anyone that. Strange what goes on in the mind of a child. I would then move to the magical candy counter with it's tempting array of any kind of candy you can imagine. BB Bats, Hot Balls, Mary Janes, Kits, you name it. I don't remember eating a lot of it though. We got a piece every now and then. I still love to see this kind if candy when I happen upon a "country store". Once in a while I will eat a Mary Jane just so that I can remember.

The best part of this memory is running up the stairs to where my grandmother was. My Nanny. To try to describe the feelings I have for my Nanny would be impossible. I didn't know anyone like her and have never met anyone like her since. I didn't know back then how special she was. All I knew was that I loved her. And that she loved me back. She was a quiet lady. And gentle. So gentle. I remember the way she used to wash my face. I can close my eyes and feel it. No matter how dirty my face was, she was always so gentle. I loved to spend the night with her, there above the store. Her bed was so high. I remember her helping me say my prayers and then she would be silent, kneeling there, for the longest time. And she would cry. I remember looking at her and wondering why she was crying. She would do the same thing when I sat with her in church. I was raised in a Pentecostal Holiness church so you can imagine that it got a little loud at times. But my Nanny was never loud. She just silently wept. I never heard her raise her voice. I remember her kindness to others. I remember her patience. I remember how she used to treat everyone the same. I learned a lot about Jesus from her. My desire is to see my Nanny again some day. I want to ask her why she was crying. And I want to thank her for the impact she had on my life without her even knowing it.

The older I get the more I realize just how precious our memories are. When I am having a sleepless night, I go back to my childhood and re-live the details of it. I feel so thankful to be able to say that my past is a place that brought me joy. I wouldn't go back there so much if it wasn't. I haven't always thought that. I have had times where I was bitter and confused about some of the aspects of my past. I can honestly say now that I wouldn't trade any moment of it, the good and the hard. I see the good as a bonus and the hard as a necessity. Both make us who we are.

I'm glad I took that shortcut this morning.

Giving Thanks For All Of My Gifts.

I'm sitting here this Thanksgiving Eve, my cooking finished for the day. It's quiet in here as my husband is reading on his Kindle and my dog Eli is worn out from all of the food-begging he did today:) I am full. And it's not my stomach, although I had a good supper. I feel full in my heart. When I think of all the gifts I have been given so far in this life, I feel almost unworthy. Like they are too good to be true. They are gifts that I often take for granted, yet they are so precious. Money had nothing to do with these gifts, my Creator gave every one of them to me for free. For that I will forever be thankful.

----I'm thankful that God brought me and a boy from the rough side of the tracks together about 35 years ago and that through lots of ups and downs, we are more in love now than ever. He is a man who loves unconditionally. He is everything to me. I'm thankful that we are growing older together. Thank you God for the gift of my husband.

---I'm thankful that I have a daughter who is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I'm thankful that she is the kind of Mother to her boys that assures me that they will grow up never doubting her love for them. She will never know how proud I am of her for standing up for what she believes in and for working so hard to try to make a difference in other's lives by being real and honest. For that, a parent could not be more thankful. Thank you God for the gift of my daughter.

---I'm thankful for my son who will never know how much joy he has brought to my life. I've cheered him on through his triumphs and I've cried with him through his struggles and I admire him for the way he has handled both. His unwavering faith in God is a constant encouragement to me. I'm thankful that no matter what he may face in this life, he will ALWAYS know where his hope lies. Thank you God for giving me a son who teaches me what it means to have hope and to trust no matter what. Thank you for the gift of my son.

---I'm thankful for a son-in-law who fits into our family like a glove. The love and support that he has for my daughter and grandboys is mind-boggling to me. I watched him cry when he married and cry when his babies were born. I'm thankful that he has chosen to be real and every day, more and more I see him wanting to reach out to others. Thank you God for the gift of my other son.

---I'm thankful for my grandboys. As cheesy as it sounds, my heart truly feels joy when I am around them or when I think of them. When I am down, the medicine I use to lift me is their hugs and smiles. It works every time. Can't wait to see what life has in store for these two loved boys. Thank you God for the gift of my grandsons.

---I'm thankful for all my family, but especially thankful for a brother who was given to me when I was 11 years old. I can't explain the bond we have had since he was born. We have been apart for most of our adult lives, but when I see him it's like he never left. I have no explanation for this except to say, he is in my life for a reason and I love him. Thank you God for the gift of all my family, and especially for this brother who, no matter what, has my heart forever.

---And finally, I'm thankful for the friends...ALL the friends who are like family to me. For old friends and new friends. Our paths have crossed for a reason and for that I am thankful. I'm thankful that friends who are true can be friends even when life or circumstances don't allow us to see each other a lot, talk to each other a lot, when we may not work together anymore, live in the same town, or go to the same church together anymore...whatever the reason, I'm thankful that once you are my friend...you are always my friend. Thank you God for the gift of the many friends You have allowed me to have.

"Being enriched in every thing to all bountifulness, which causes through us thanksgiving to God".
2 Corinthians 9:11

Things I Know Without A Doubt

1. There is a God.
2. Family is everything.
3. I need friends.
4. People are hurting.
5. Everything that is taught to you is not necessarily true.
6. We should listen more than we talk.
7. "Religion" helps no one.
8. Birth is a miracle.
9. So are the mountains.
10. And the ocean.
11. Music is good.
12. Good food is spiritual.
13. Church should be for ALL people.
14. Love can heal.
15. Jesus is Love.

Introduction to my book: The View From Where I Stand

First of all, let's get the record straight. There is no arrogance here. I am a nobody. This is not an easy book to write. The words come pouring out of me faster than I can stop them. I write because I can't not write. I am convinced beyond a doubt that someone has to hear what I have to say. I have known it for a while. Telling this story gets rid of that knawing feeling inside of me and I want to get rid of that feeling. So I have to believe that it is meant to be. I have worried about offending a few by telling my story but the knowledge that a great many more will be helped rather than offended pushes me on.

I feel like I am in the middle of something. The beginning is over and I can't see the end. I am in the middle. The window of opportunity is short here in the middle. It is imperative that I get these words, these thoughts, these revelations down before it is too late. I want you to read my story. Some of you may be tempted to stop reading because you think my story is too "religious". If you will just keep reading you will find that it is far from that. Some of you may want to stop reading because you do not agree with me or you take offense to some of the things I say. I mean no offense. And you do not have to agree with me. This is just my story. My honest story.

Small Town Kindness

I love unexpected heartfelt moments that happen in my life. This particular one happened in the small town of Mount Airy, NC. Mayberry..... home of one of my favorite shows to this day, Andy Griffith. My husband, my dog Eli, and myself stopped for an overnight visit during our summer vacation. I had wanted to visit here for a long time so I was super excited. We checked out of our motel and headed for the downtown area. Main street was just as charming as I had been told. The quaint shops were nestled all together on both sides of the street. I was in heaven. Ricky and Eli waited patiently for me on the benches outside of the shops. The day was hot. No....... sweltering. By the way, I have the BEST husband. Since Eli couldn't go into the stores, he waited with him outside in the heat. And he didn't complain once. As I have said before, he may not be a candy/flowers kind of guy, but I have never doubted his love for me. When I am happy, he is genuinely happy. Means much more than flowers to me....:) Anyways, back to Mayberry. As I went from shop to shop I noticed an older, shabbily dressed man walking up and down the street, stopping to ask people for money. Most people would either ignore him or shake their heads no at him. In fact I never saw anyone give him money. It was obvious that he was a regular beggar on the streets in this town. To be honest, my initial reaction was that of most. Every town has them. They just want money for drugs. They can work just like I do. The charm of the shops took my attention away from this beggar as I made my way from one piece of heaven to another. After about an hour and a half, I was feeling pretty sorry for my sweating hubby and pup, so I decided to call it a day. There was one final thing I had to do though and that was to go to Snappy's and get me a famous pork chop sandwich. Mind you I was not hungry. My husband even protested a little saying, "We just ate breakfast....how can you be hungry? And LOOK at that line! Do you have to?!" Now, if you know me at all, I am never going to go to a place that boasts that they have a famous anything and not try it. It's not going to happen. My husband knows this too so he just sighed and plopped back down on the bench. Eli plopped too. He also knows me well:) Almost every seat in the little diner was full and there was a line to order. There was no stopping me. When it was my turn, I happily ordered one pork chop sandwich to go. "How would you like it, hon?" asked the waitress in her best southern drawl. "Just the famous way it comes!" I replied. She smiled as she yelled to the back, "one to go all the way!" I took a seat to wait for my delicacy. That was when I noticed the door open and in walked the beggar, dirty, sweaty, and smelly. He looked at no one but walked past the tourists and took the only seat left in the corner of the diner. Because of the crowd and because of his smell, I was sure that one of the waitresses would ask him to leave. But that is not what happened. Instead, a woman who I believe to be the owner noticed him through all of the busyness and said, "Hey Bill. You need a drink of water?" The poor man didn't even look up but nodded his sweaty head. I looked around the restaurant. No one seemed to be paying attention to this scenario. She filled a cup and took him the water which he could not get down fast enough. Then he just sat there, looking at no one. All I could think of at the moment was, wow. The owner of this place could have very well run this nuisance of a man out of her crowded establishment with good reason and she chose not to. Instead she chose to give him a drink of water. Wow. I don't cry much but when I do it is usually at the most inopportune times. And when no one else is. As I dabbed my eyes and tried not to look like a nut, I heard the waitress say, "Here's your sandwich hon." My $4 famous pork chop sandwich that I was GOING to eat even if I wasn't hungry. As I was paying, I asked the waitress, "I heard that man begging for money earlier. Do you think he is hungry?" "Probably," she replied. " If we have any leftover biscuits and gravy, the owner will usually give him some."

I nodded, took my change and made my way out into the heat. "I sure hope that sandwich is worth it" Ricky said as we drove away. I smiled as I unwrapped my treasure. The famous sandwich was indeed good but the feeling inside my heart was so much better. I love it when I feel that I am changed because of a certain moment in time. When my faith is restored in the realness of a situation. That the small town of Mayberry is not just a place that we wish existed, it does. We just need to open our eyes wide enough to actually see it. I hope to return to "Mayberry" some day. If you are ever in that area, be sure to go to Snappy's for lunch. Good folks work there:) As for the beggar? I hope he enjoyed his pork chop sandwich as much as I did mine:)